The Pirate Pages

City Council Votes to Ban Pizza Dispensaries

By Pepper Roni

To combat what City Council called an “unexpected” amount of Steamboat Springs’ citizens using pizza to combat chronic stomach pain, the council voted 4-3 to ban pizza dispensaries within town limits. Council members voting for the ban cited increased cases of lactose intolerance and sausage farts, which they felt did more harm than good in the community.

“No one on this council ever anticipated that we’d have so many dispensaries selling pizza in Steamboat,” said City Council President Pro-Temski Quinnagin Beginnagin. “It’s gone too far. There’s a pizza dispensary on every block. Do we really need this much pizza in Steamboat Springs?”

Those members voting against the ban noted that pizza is legal in Colorado, whether people like it or not, and several owners of pizza dispensaries provide jobs and sales-tax revenue.

“I just don’t see how we can discriminate against pizza dispensaries,” said Council President Ex-Temski Scari Helmetheadski. “Sure, it can make you a little gassy, and too much can induce food coma, but what’s next? Should we ban taco dispensaries because they give people the runs? Or coffee dispensaries because they make some people terribly annoying? It’s a slippery slope.”

The final vote caused an uproar among the pro-pizza citizens attending the meeting, who spoke vehemently about how they need pizza to combat the intense pain they sometimes feel in their stomach area.

“If I don’t eat pizza every day,” testified John Papa, “I get this rumbling pain right around here,” he added, pointing to his abdomen. “It happens about three times a day, starting right when I wake up, and the only thing that seems to make it go away is pizza. It’s saved my life … What the hell am I supposed to do now!!!”

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