Our Quirky Town12/01/2004 01:00AM ● By Joanne Palmer
Our Quirky Town
by Joanne PalmerWhile many people have been caught up in the low-carb frenzy, we'd like to propose a much more manageable diet. The Snowball Diet relies heavily on carbs and sugar to fuel the legs for big powder days. Here's a sampleSnowball DietHit snooze button 14 times. (burn 10 calories)Call Ski Report. 17" dump. Rocket out of bed, into ski clothes. Drink latte and eat two Snickers bars in Gondola line. (1,000 calories)Ski secret powder stashes on Mount Werner. (burn 2,000 calories)Leave mountain at noon, shower at Health and Rec.Eat Cliff bar in car. (125 calories)Drink two Nalgene containers of water. (O calories)Work noon-8. Scan paper for half-price deals at local restaurants. Stop in at taco night. Eat 6 tacos and drink 2 beers. (3,000 calories)Head home.Eat half-pint of Ben and Jerry's. (Who's counting?)Pray for snow.Sleep.Best Classified: Lost: 25 lbs of brown sugar and 8 cans of Chipolte Peppers. Last seen traveling down 131. Call Rachel at 555-1234.Directionally ChallengedLost? Whatever you do, don't ask a local for directions. You may hear something like this: "Turn right at the telephone pole where they post all the notices for garage sales. Go up the hill, past the Monopoly houses. "Continue past the trophy homes under the power lines. On the right is the house Angela got in the divorce, after her husband ran off with the woman who owns that nerestaurant downtown. Think she drives a neHonda, too. "Just past the tree that was hit by lightening you'll see a "T" in the road. Well maybe it's more like a "L." Can't remember. Anyway, turn right. Go a mile or two or three until you pass the field where Lynne Bob saa bear while she was hiking last summer."Down that road to the three-way stop sign. At the stop sign, follothe curve past a large gray duplex to the third house on the left a brown house with red trim and lots of junk lumber left over from a recent remodel. There might be a nemailbox out front. The old one got buried in the big 18" dump we had the first week in February, remember?"Got it? Or should I go over it again?"Brutal Marketing circa 1899Steamboat Springs has a population of about 400 people, which is constantly increasing.There are five general stores, two drug stores, four stores carrying special lines, two banks, two livery stables, one newspaper The Steamboat Pilot good hotels and restaurants, a flouring mill and all the other accessories of a business community, and in addition a free public library, excellent schools including a high school, church, etc.It is surrounded by building stone, lime, onyx, marble, coal and minerals. Its mineral springs are celebrated the country over.Hundreds of tourists annually come here to seek health or pleasure or rest from the cares of business. The cool summers, the springs and the natural beauty of the surroundings mark it as the coming resort of the continent, with a worldwide fame.Wishful ThinkingIn my next life I'm coming back as my dog Humphrey a 57-lb. lovable lump of a sheepdog-something mix. He lives in Steamboat, a small mountain town where dogs outnumber people. Every day the local radio station broadcasts the breaking news from the dog pound, located on Critter Court. First, "The Dog Gone Pet Report," followed by "Adopt-A-Pet." My dog is brushed daily, exercised exhaustively and sleeps an average of 22.5 hours a day. At Christmas, he got a nered collar; I got the bill. Humphrey's Paw-Pilot includes standing bimonthly appointments at the dog groomer for an oatmeal bath, paw-icure and trim. I haven't had a manicure in months.Humphrey has a sleek gray fur coat; my dark roots are showing. His dog food is a delicate balance of real chicken and healthy grains carefully blended for optimum nutrition. My dinner comes from the freezer with instructions to remove wrapper and place in microwave for three minutes. On Monday morning as I clutch my son's school backpack, half-eaten banana, juice box, overdue library books, permission slips for a field trip, letters to be mailed, my gym bag and, oh yes, stuff I'll need for work, I gaze at my dog sprawled on the cool kitchen tiles.He has stretched, rolled in the snoand taken a fesensible bites of his wholesome breakfast. He has barked at the meter reader, bristled at another dog and chased a cat.All this activity will soon require a nap on his monogrammed bed from L.L. Bean.This is when I look at him enviously and say, "Trade ya!" Overheard at the Double Z:(famous for their fries, large portions and funny wait staff.)Customer: "I really wasn't planning to eat the entire hamburger and all these fries. I was going to take half home."Waiter: "Not to worry. You're saving the planet, one Styrofoam container at a time." on the gondola:Young boy talking to his parents:"See that mountain back there? My ski instructor said its name is something like Dead Man Laid Out." at Health & Rec:"What shade of lipstick goes with Carhartts?"